Kristal: Recognizing & Breaking-free from Narcissistic Abuse

(Part 1) Hostess of VUP, Kristal walks through the hidden dynamics of narcissistic abuse, from love bombing and gaslighting to trauma bonding and spiritual manipulation, and share the turning points that led to clarity and freedom. With personal experience with narcisstic abusive cycles Kristal offers steps to leaving the narcissist; rebuild identity, and heal with purpose and faith.

• spotting love bombing and shifting promises
• how devaluation and gaslighting distort reality
• trauma bonding and why leaving feels impossible
• isolation tactics that steal voice and purpose
• the role of faith in breaking fear and shame
• practical steps to plan an exit and hold boundaries
• rebuilding identity, dreams and supportive ties

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Transcript

Setting The Stage

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello and welcome to Voices Unhanded. I'm Christo Jenkinson. On this show, I give a unique perspective and listening in to voices that often go unheard. I want everyone to know that you are not alone and that your voice and story matter. Today is going to be a different episode. I am doing a solo show, and it's going to be about a topic that's quite sensitive. And also, I believe that a lot of people are dealing with this, but they don't necessarily know that that's what they're dealing with. So the topic is how to recognize and how to come out of a narcissistic abusive relationship. So you'll want to listen to this and take notes. It's actually really hard to know if someone you love is going through a narcissistic relationship in some ways because you kind of see the outside of the narcissist, but you don't see what they're like around that person. So narcissists are really good at shape shifting, they're really good at pretending to be like a lovely, charismatic, like they might look like a really successful, confident person on the outside. But then when you get down to the nitty-gritty of who they actually are, when you're with them, and especially in an intimate relationship, you see a totally different side of them. They're actually really insecure. They are looking to control people. They have very limited, shallow relationships. They're not really good at going quite deep with people. And they kind of keep people at arm's length because they're insecure about who they are. So I've got six steps about how to come out of an abusive, narcissistic relationship. And how do you know that that's what it is? So when I was in a narcissistic, abusive relationship, I didn't know that that's what it was. First of all, there was what you call the love bombing stage. Like this person was telling me everything I wanted. Like they were playing on every insecurity, every fear that I had. In my heart, I wanted a family, I wanted stability, I wanted protection. I wanted all those things that I never really got as a child growing up. I was raised by my grandparents and a solo dad, most of the time with my grandparents. They cared for me in their late 70s, and my grandma passed with cancer five years ago, so she was 90 and now I'm 30. I was 25 when I she died when she was 90, so as I grew up. We were so close. How did I realize that I was in a narcissistic relationship? I felt like I was being used. So when I met this person, I was in a really kind of vulnerable state. I was living with my grandparents just out of high school, kind of not knowing what I wanted to do at uni, kind of just working, you know, at KFC like a just a job, because I was like, I dropped out of uni after one year. I did one year, and then I finished it, and then I was like, okay, I don't know where I want to go from here. And I met this person and kind of in that transitional phase. And my grandma, she hadn't been well for a few years before that, like with internal bleeding and things like that, was concerning me in the back of my mind. Like I I was so sad, obviously, for her. I hated seeing her suffer. She was always the one that would uplift others and encourage others. In the back of my mind, I was worried like I'd be homeless if they weren't there. And I was trying to get, I wanted a family, I wanted to not be a burden to anyone. And all these insecurities just started coming to the surface when I started experiencing these things at that age, at around 18, that kind of transitional age. And my dad was up in Wellington, he kind of had his own girlfriend and family up. Obviously, my biological mom, I never lived with her, so she was out of the picture all my life. So then this person, I don't know why I was attracted to them. Like they didn't obviously have anything to offer me. What actually drew me in was they said to me that they're in a lot of trouble. They were an illegal immigrant, they had got married for residency. They actually didn't tell me they were married until I'd kind of already been sucked into their lives. Then they said, but it's not a real marriage. It was a marriage just so I could stay in the country. And that made me kind of real, like I felt betrayed in a way. And then this person got deported. They actually went to Sowaicara prison, it's in Hamilton. And then so I went up to see them before they went, obviously, because we were soul tired and things like that. They actually didn't live in my city. I actually went up to see them before they were deported. And that was just such a depressing time. And I then I went back to Christchurch and no one actually said anything to me except my pastor kind of warned me that this person was, you know, not the right person for me and things like that. And be careful. I kind of didn't listen. And then I went over this person got deported to India. Here's me. I'm just gonna expose myself a bit. I felt that was my job to help this person, you know, and that was wrong because it was not my job to help this person, I realized at all. They got themselves into this and I hadn't, you know, no business going near this person. But I helped this person get a divorce. So I went over to India and I brought like the divorce papers, explained the process to them, and obviously they weren't that great at English, so I helped explain and um write the divorce papers and bring it back to New Zealand. Then I came back to New Zealand and filed for a divorce for this person because I actually couldn't get divorced over there. And when I came back, I was pregnant. I was pregnant with his um daughter with well, with my daughter, and I went through a lot of s suicidal thoughts at the time and depression. I realized this person wasn't in the back of my mind, I knew this person wasn't actually there for me. I knew this person couldn't be there for me, but I held on to this like fantasy of like what I wanted this person to be. I wanted this person to be a husband, I wanted this person to be because I'd never had that. So especially in a male, I was looking for that. But it was all it wasn't a reality. And I it took me a while. Like I went through obviously births on my own. I was living with my grandparents. So I came back to give birth to my daughter. I was with my grandparents, obviously, they weren't well at the time. My grandma passed when my daughter was one. I honestly I just wanted to get out of the house away from her when she was sick. I was going through so much, and I can say that I was actually I was actually acting quite selfishly. And I know that it was me trying to control my life. I I was thinking, God, you know, God forgotten me. He he didn't care about me. I needed to go out and, you know, d find my own husband or whatever. And that was furthest from the truth. Like when I came back, so I went over there with to India again, two times with my daughter on my own. And I actually it was it was a roller coaster of emotions and things like that. I I actually thought that I could have died a few times over there. I had like a panic attack there. I had um there's just a lot, just giving you a little bit of background about me. I'm going through the stuff about how to identify a narcissistic relationship. So you f you feel like you exist to please this person without any reciprocacy or real love. So you feel like you're giving your all to this person. There's no it's like a it's like a brick wall kind of effect, like you're you're giving yourself, but there's no there's no love back. Or if there is, there's like a little bit and then they just abuse you again emotionally or um devalue you. And number two is you feel undervalued by this person. So like you feel like they don't um they're not grateful, they don't care that you're they don't care about what you've done for them. You d they don't care about they just think that you're, you know, there to like worship them in a way. There's also like a brainwashing that occurs over time. Like I realize that this person from the beginning, they that yeah, that kind of sounds real bad. They kind of groomed me to believe that they were the person, the thing that I wanted because of my brokenness. I but I attracted this person um in the beginning. And I started believing their subtle lies about the future. So they would tell me that it would always be like, I'm gonna get this nice, we're gonna have a nice house, we're gonna we're gonna have lots of money, don't worry about that. But at the moment, you need to sacrifice this money for me so that we can I can get ahead in life. And you need to um keep coming back to India so that we can apply for our re uh so I can apply for residency. And this person actually pressured me to pay half of his deportation fee in India. So his dad paid half and I paid half, which was like$5,000. And I felt sick like after he asked me to pay for that. Um, I knew that it was wrong what he'd done, and I knew that I wouldn't get that back. And I I think that's what also keeps you bonded to a person like that is like you always hope. They say, I'll pay it back, they say, we'll get married, they say, um, I'll get a um, we'll have a family and we'll move out of our parents' house when, you know, um, or we'll get married when I have a job or when we're in a better country, or when I'm settled. And that always just keep pushing the timeline back for these things to occur. And that that just creates compounded disappointment, yet you still hope for this the fantasy version that is actually doesn't exist of this person that you have created into pretty much an idol. You've created an idol of this person, someone ideal that you look up to actually is not who they are. And in fact, they are quite the opposite. And the sad thing is that being it like quite empathetic, you think that they'll change, but they actually won't. Yeah, God can change anyone, but for some deep personality stuff, you know, even trauma and things like this, it can take ages for and even if if that person doesn't want to change, they won't. And a lot of them don't want to change. Like they're happy just you know controlling people and being a leech to people and things like that. So with those lies that you have been believing, so they start brainwashing you, you allow them to brainwash you, and then your identity gets lost in who that person says you are. So that's number four. You kind of lose your purpose. Like when this person came in, like you're fumbling around, you're like, What am I doing here? Why am I in this position? Why am I with this person? But you just kind of accept like this is what I deserve because you're so used to maybe you grow up with a narcissistic mother or father who treated you like crap, and you just think, This is what I'm used to. I I don't feel comfortable, you know, having a friend or um a close relationship that someone val actually values me. And then also at the same time, your identity gets lost. Number five, your dreams begin to die and your purpose becomes cloudy. So that's kind of tied to identity. Like you had maybe you had these dreams of like going to like university and becoming like a doctor, or maybe you had these dreams of like, you know, you wanted to paint, or you wanted to like write that book, or you wanted to just anything that expresses who like God truly made you to be. You wanted to do those things, and those things begin to die when you're with this type of person. You just feel like the life is just sucked out of you, that you have no strength. You feel like you're in a prison. Like I literally felt like I was in a prison. I couldn't go anywhere, like I had to do what this person told me to do. I felt like it was just not worth it. And I was like, but I sacrificed so much. I wanted it to be worth all the sacrifices I'd given for this relationship. I can't just walk away now. I've given so much. And the more you give of yourself, of your whatever it is, like the more harder it is to walk away. But at the same time, like it's worth it. Like whatever you've given, like you can come out and you can come out stronger and you can help others who are going through that. And the sad thing is that you can feel really isolated in this scenario. This person actually wants to control you. This person actually wants to push away anyone that is gonna try and help you out of this, out of their web of lies. So they pull you in and they don't want anyone else kind of interacting with you, and they actually go as far as they could slander you in front of others, they could talk about you behind your back, they could turn family members against you, yours or theirs. Yeah, that's all because they want to control how others perceive you, and they want domination of you pretty much. I'm sure you guys have heard of trauma bonding. Um, it's a relationship between an abuser and a victim. It could be parental, relational, and despite the abuser hurting the victim, the victim feels tied to them, and it's kind of like they feed off each other, like it sounds so gross, but there's like a sympathy for the abuser. Like, when I said I met this person, that started telling me about all their problems, how they were in deep trouble, like they were an illegal immigrant, they were gonna get sent back when the government finds out they had a fake identity, things like that. They've been lying about their marriage, it wasn't actually a marriage, you know, based on commitment or love. I had sympathy for this person, and it wasn't. Well, it didn't come from a healthy place of sympathy. It came from a place of brokenness where I felt like I I was the savior of the world. I had to fix this person despite them. I had to save them from the consequences of the decisions that they made, and that was not right or my job to do at all. And I think that just came from like a lack of control growing up. I just felt like I wanted to also wanted to have control over my circumstances, and I never really had that. And I was like, if I can control other people's lives, that would be great. But yeah, no, that's not right either. So when do you start realizing that things are not right in a relationship in a narcissistic relationship? So I actually sacrificed so much of myself. So I went back to India three times on my own, two times with my daughter. I am actually grateful to God that I did not die and that my daughter did not stay over there, and I, you know, had to come back without her. Like that is a blessing. I realized when I came back, they could have, you know, they could have kept her. Like, that would have been like the worst nightmare of my life. Like, she's the biggest blessing that I've had out of all of this. Like, she's beautiful, she's not anything like that. And I've had to do a lot of like healing in myself and like praying against because I'm a believer in Jesus. I believe narcissism is spiritual. There's the psychological aspect of it and there's a spiritual aspect of it. And I am still in that process of breaking off things, that narcissism that's come through my bloodline and come through her father's bloodline. And just also I I believe growing up with a narcissistic parent or just a parental figure um who treated you like crap, where you were trying to please them, or they would turn you against your siblings, or they would um be violent towards say things like, I don't like you, you're not good enough, or things like that, where they project their own hate for themselves out on you. That kind of sets you up for thinking, you know, those relationships are all you're used to, like that's what you were treated like from the one who is supposed to love you. So you're kind of already set up for that. When do you start realizing that you are that things went right? So Yeah, just when I was giving so much myself that I was literally suffering mentally, physically, emotionally, like I was suffering. And it was always about this person, like and how I could help them, or how every conversation would be about them. I'm sure that you who have been through it know what I mean. Like it would be like a deflecting, if that's like, you know, back onto themselves, or you'd ask something, or you'd say something about yourself, like it's not easy on your own with looking after a child, or say you said something like that to try and get a little bit of sympathy, and they'll be like, I haven't got a job and I'm struggling over here, and or they just say something like that would kind of downplay what you're going through um without any empathy. So um what happened what actually happens during narcissistic abuse is deep depression and disappointment set in, and you think it's just normal, like you think, oh, I'm just struggling mentally, but actually um that's it sets you up for that. Like this abuser, they they want you to like be on a roller coaster. And I I remember just like crying for no reason, like with this person, and they didn't care. Like that that's just part of who they are. Like they don't care. When I realized that this person wasn't gonna marry me, when I'd helped them with everything. Like I obviously I'd looked after my daughter on my own, like I paid for everything. Like, obviously, I mean like that person didn't raise a finger to help. Yeah, I grew up super independent, and I think I never really wanted to depend on anyone. And also that's been hard because I realized like that's not really how I I always want to be. Like I want to be like feminine, I want to be able to submit to my husband in the future and things like that, but I was just kind of programmed to be independent, I guess, growing up because I had to be. My dad was like a solo dad, and just having to make your lunches and you know, do all the things that kind of like a mum did in a way, like parentifying yourself. So there's also a deep sense of grief that comes, I guess, during uh it's kind of like a wake-up time. I feel like God was waking me up to reality. So I live with this person like for eight months and it was like it felt like ages. I came back just before 2020, um, February, the lockdowns, like there was the COVID lockdowns in February 2020, I believe. And I came back like two weeks before that. And that was a blessing because like we had to drive eight hours to the airport and just to get to this person's house, and then um this was from Dali. And yeah, I am grateful that I came back with my daughter before the lockdowns happened because three months later my grandma passed with cancer, and I struggled with extreme guilt, like for not being there when she was suffering, like I heard she'd had a fall, and like I was in this horrible relationship that was a distraction. And I probably now my grandparents are both passed, but I probably caused them a lot of grief um just going over there, even though they didn't say anything to me, and they wanted me to get married and wanted me to be happy and things like that, and they were very old fashioned and traditional and th that's beautiful. They didn't know anything about, you know, that he was abusive, typically well, they kind of probably saw that I wasn't happy, but they didn't want to say anything. So yeah, I just really re I had a deep regret of the time I'd missed with them, um, chasing a fantasy. So, like for any of you who like are struggling with this, you know what to do. I think I knew in my heart, but I felt like I was already too far in this cycle of abuse, like I felt like I you know, like I couldn't turn back. And God's working it out for good now, and He has been. Um, you can't take time back on earth with the people you love and Yeah, you kinda realize that when someone dies that you really were close to, that that's kind of what matters. It's like the people that God put in your life that matter. Like not these things that you're chasing that you think matter. I knew deep down that God was trying to separate me from this person who I put my hopes in for marriage. I I kind of like idolized this person and I had to repent for that. Like I idolized marriage, I wanted to get married super, super quick, and now I'm like 30 and I'm still not married, and I I thought that was, you know, the most important thing in life, and I realized it's actually not. And um and I put it above God and um I found out the hard way. Yeah, so like I said, this person will separate you from those who you care about who care about you. Like he'll try and make them feel like everything's all good, like he'll m put on a front like he or she, whatever. Like she's fine, like you know, but actually you're not fine inside. They'll kind of speak over you or speak for you in a way, and that kind of takes your voice and your identity, the same thing, and voice identity. Um, and they'll separate you from your purpose, so your alignments and your destiny helpers, those who God like sends to help us in our assignments that He has for us to do on this earth, like they pretty much come to steal, kill, and destroy pretty much what the Bible says that the devil came to do. Because it's a system designed to destroy your soul and take you out of God's good plan for your life. And Jeremiah 29, 11 it says, For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, to give you a future and a hope, plans not to harm you. Sorry, I think I got some of that wrong, but um you can go look it up. That's pretty much what it says. Um, he has good intentions towards us. So anything that comes against that, uh or if we don't trust that and we're trusting in something else to help us with our plans, um that's going against God and actually it's destroying your life. But these kinds of people, I just wanted to talk about like when you confront these people about promises or things they've said even to you, they will keep pushing back the timeline, they'll make excuses for why they haven't delivered or project their abuse back onto you. Like, what do I need to say sorry for? Or remember when you did this to me? Or I still need to get a job and then I'll do that, or I still need to get further along in this, you know, job, or or get more settled, or the the promises will be very broad and vague, like they won't be specific, like measurable. So you'll just keep, you know, going around in circles with them and they'll just keep making you go around in circles. Yeah, so you'll kinda go insane in a way. You'll think that you're like losing your mind, and that actually makes them happy because they'll be like, haha, I can I can control this person. Yeah, that's part of like gaslighting, making you question your reality. Um they also can threaten or curse you, so they might say something like, I'll do this for you if you do that, or if you make this another big sacrifice in me, I promise that this time I'll do it. Or they'll say things like, Actually, this person who I was with actually cursed me. So he said to me, If you get married to anyone else, um she won't be my daughter anymore, talking about my daughter. And like that is like a horrible thing to say, and it's actually a curse. So I've had to like break that off my life and come out of agreement with Yeah, obviously he he doesn't deserve her to speak like that as well. And it's just designed to create fear in me and to stop me from moving forward. So that's what they'll do to you. They'll try and stop you from moving forward in life with for anything that God wants for you. And I believe like for many of you, God wants marriage. Marriage is a good thing. Like God created marriage. Um, it's a covenant. Another thing is that when I was with this person, how others they can't always see that it's narcissistic abuse because they just see a little part of that nice part of them that they want others to see. And some of them will often advise you, like ill advice, like they might intend good, but that's wrong, because you should marry this person. It's biblical, you know, like to get married when you've when you're like together in that way and you've got a child and things like that. And I I I wanted to get married, but I obviously it wasn't God's plan, because like why would we get married to someone that isn't like aligned with our values or our purpose? Like God doesn't uh want that. Like marriage is a covenant when you're both in agreement, like we weren't in agreement at all. And so that legalistic spirit where you're forcing someone to get married because you think that it looks like you're sinning to others, you don't want it to look bad or whatever. That's just the wrong motivations, full stop. Like marriage should be to honor God, it shouldn't be to um for anything, whole relationship, whether we were married or not, did not honor God. So they have narcissistic people, they have a fear of losing control of you. They'll pop up inconsistently, like to say, I'm so sorry for that time, or um, they'll try and reel you in with like your empathy, they'll play on that again. Um, and it could have been like the last time you saw them, they just blew up at you, they just started abusing you verbally, emotionally, um, they just slandered you in front of like family members or like things like that, but they'll just be like, I'm so sorry, I was not in my right mind, or whatever, you know, like they'll try to bring you back into that cycle, and they just want some more, more of your energy to feed on. And it depends how bad it is, but like I have had to cut off people for that reason. One being obviously my the biological dad of my daughter, and then my biological mum. I've had to do that with her because she did a similar thing. Yeah, she just hasn't been in her right mind for a while. So you feel like you're walking on eggshells around this person and you can't be true to yourself. So you're actually your personality is being suppressed by this person, like they're a shape shifter, and you're trying to shape shift to like please them. You're trying to like wear what they think is nice, you're just gonna get their approval versus just being yourself and not caring whether they like you or not, because the right person people will like you for who you are. You might experience waves of brain fog around this person, like almost like out of nowhere, you'll be like, Yeah, I think I mentioned that. But like what questioning, like, how did I get here? And you yet you feel like you're unable to get out, like you feel very helpless and very alone. You might feel like you're very disconnected emotionally, you like or spiritually, you might feel disconnected, yet you're very connected. Like it doesn't make sense, but um so in your fantasy world of this person, you want to be super connected and like you're longing for intimacy and all that, and yet like there's a disconnect there um that you never really will get from this person because they're unable to give you that. No person can give you everything you want, obviously. Only a girl can do that, but like you're unable to get even like a normal level of intimacy from this person. So you're like looking to this person, like you keep hoping, like, when am I gonna get be close to this person? Like you want to feel attached because maybe you didn't get that as a kid, and then yeah, it all it all could just create this cycle of disappointment and like another like blow up, and then you feel sorry for them, and then they'll just make more promises, and then yeah, it's just it's so good to not be in that place anymore, and just I'm starting to find my feet without I've been like free from that relationship for a few years now. But I yeah, I just couldn't see it when I was in it, and I was just kind of blind to reality. Yeah, so those are a few things I wanted to talk about with um with narcissistic abuse and it's like quite a very complex like it's quite a deep subject in and of itself. So it's like this is just a little snippet on my testimony and things to look out for for um for this type of behavior and so on. And I hope you've enjoyed this episode today, and please subscribe to my Patreon and follow me on YouTube for Voices Unhindered Podcast. Yeah, send me an email um if you have any or a message on my bus route if you have any like questions about narcissistic abuse recovery or like want to know more or how something about my own story or what you're going through. I hope you guys got something from it. And I also just wanted to add that my faith has grown stronger during this time. I thought I was unable to get up again after this relationship, but I did, and I'm still going, you know, it's just made me more aware of myself. I've grown in myself and I've I've been more like loving to myself because I've realized like a lot of the reason I went into that relationship wasn't my fault. Like I was vulnerable. Like I was I didn't have that covering or that protection from a you know a male figure growing up. I didn't have um like a normal functional family and I had you know traits of narcissist narcissistic abuse through the bloodline so I never had that loving mother or I always wanted to prove myself and I always was seeking affirmation and I realized like I can't get it from anyone here I can only get it from the Lord and Jesus has been enough like during this time and I'm on my journey and I love you guys who are also coming out of those abusive relationships and seeing like you're so much more than what that person says about you. You're so much you've got so much going for you, and that's why the enemy comes to attack you from a young age, and that's why he comes to attack you through the people that you um attract as you know, you're growing up and things like that. Um so yeah, that's all I wanted to say is like I give all the glory to Jesus and my testimony. Bless you guys. Thank you for listening today. Thank you for listening to Voices Unhindered. It's great hearing from my listeners. Reach out with questions and comments through Insta or Facebook. Just search for Voices Unhindered. I'm interested to know what other topics and voices you'd like me to bring on the show. Subscribe to Voices Unhindered on Spotify or Apple Podcasts to never miss an episode.